Day of the Dead Ogres Quickly Approaching

I know it ain't over until the fat Ogre falls over, but I can't help but feel a little giddy in the lead up to my hearing at the Regie on Friday.

For the last few weeks I (Lovely Lady) have been busy preparing my case for ridding my charming blue house of its resident evil. I sent the Ogres a letter, informing them of my intention to repossess their stinking apartment and make it into something habitable by humans.

They, of course, in obstinate Ogre fashion, said NO. What? Did you expect Ogres to suddenly turn into reasonable, lovely & understanding people? Do you think Global Warming is a myth, Bush is a good
president, and Canadians belong in Afghanistan?

I will say that their NO came without ribbons, came without tags, came without packages boxes or bags!! Not even a grumble, but it came just the same. Right before Christmas, amidst the horrible glow of their terrible decorations, their refusal to leave arrived. So the ante was upped, and early this month I started the process for a hearing at the Regie, hired a lawyer, and got all my little ducks into a neat little row. For any of you currently living with an Ogre problem, or who may experience one in the future:

1. Get floor plans drawn up that show all the changes you will make once the Ogres are expelled (an itinerant anthropology student/former production designer should do the trick).
2. Get an estimate for the work to be done from a charming and handy carpenter (who happens to be my neighbour).
3. Get a city permit that approves all these changes.
4. Get your dog's file from the vet proving that he has a limp and thus must avoid walking up and down stairs held up like a suitcase by a strap .
5. Keep a positive attitude (no buts, ifs or maybes) no matter how many doubting-Thomases are around feebly wishing you luck.
6. Act like it has already been decided in your favour (today I was looking for curtains and curtain rods--it's a start).
7. Make lots of deals with the gods anyway. Whatever gods you like, the more colourful the better.

The hearing is on Friday, February 1st at 2pm. My horoscope assures me that this is a good day for such things. Read it and weep (or rejoice, depending on whose side you're on, and if you're reading this, I assume you are pro-Lovely Lady, anti-Ogre):

Your home life has a few ups and downs, but you are about to get an important cosmic boost on one of the year's rarest and most lovely aspects, due February 1, although you may feel the benefits sooner, on January 30 or 31. Jupiter will conjoin Venus in their bewitching annual meeting. Since Venus naturally rules your 4th house of home, you can see a breakthrough in regard to domestic, real estate, or family-related matters at this time. This day is worth four stars, so although technically this day falls on February 1, I want you to know about it now. It truly sparkles!

Now just one minor glitch. My Sweet-Talking-Lawyer-Lady might not be able to make the hearing, which would mean a postponement, and more waiting around for the final word, plus the loss of a 4 star day. The Regie was so quick in giving me a hearing, that she is booked for another case in the morning and might not make it on time. This would not be exactly tragic, but it would kinda suck .

The only thing less sucky about it is that it would prolong the Ogres' anxiety, though I am told by my Snitch that they know their days are numbered and are already beginning to pack!! And you can only imagine what a gargantuan task it will be for Ogres to clear out a lair with 24 years of Ogre crap inside it, and that's not even including the scary basement.

They have, however, told the Snitch that "It's gonna cost her a lot of money!" Snitch has offered to go in and take photos of the premises, of all the fixtures and walls and windows as proof of their state of relative repair. He wouldn't put it past them to break and steal and soil things out of spite. Also, apparently, skanky daughter next door has already decided to leave her $375. apartment, so the next phase of the Ogre-ridding campaign is to make sure they don't move in there, downstairs from the Snitch, next door to me. Here is why Snitch is helping me (other than my Loveliness):

Having them under me again just well, frankly, makes my heart sink...vibrating music, decorations, flags, the backyard turned into a junk heap (less space without your basement), plastic like an Alabama trail park in winters....ugh....grand children from her various offspring running and screaming....ugh...cats, more cats, rabbits and cig smoke (and I smoke) wafting up my staircase and through the floors! NO WAY!

You see, folks, that I am not the only one around here who is anti-Ogre. So friends, in conclusion, there is one thing I need from you:

VERY POSITIVE THOUGHTS FOR FRIDAY!! THE LAWYER WILL MAKE IT. YES!!! THE JUDGEMENT WILL BE IN MY FAVOUR. YES!!! THEIR SETTLEMENT WILL BE SMALL. YES! YES! YES!!!!!!!

Even if you don't believe such things, do it! I'll let you know how it goes.

LL