Friday, December 7, 2007

All Quiet on the Ogre Front


I've been told that I'm giving Shrek a bad name, calling my tenants Ogres. But like all species there are the good ones and the rotten ones, so why should Ogres be any different. Here is my caveat: I by no means am generalizing or implying all Ogres are evil, nor will I hold prejudice against other Ogres whose path I cross in the future. My angry words towards Ogres apply solely to the ones downstairs. All other Ogres will be considered innocent until proven otherwise.
Especially Shrek.

The Ogres who are My Crappy Tenants have been informed that they must vacate their premises in the month of June. I'm sure swamp hunting will be pleasant in the spring. I expected the walls of the house to shake, Chewbacca howls and growls to shift the floors, and my door to be assaulted by Ogre feet. None of this has happened. It's been more than two days now. I don't know whether to feel worried or relieved. Are they stewing? Are they plotting? Is the explosion yet to come? This uncertainty is taking up too much energy.

Leaving the house has become a problem--I need an Ogre Spotter, a Sentinel to tell me when it is ok to open my door (new lock notwithstanding). This is a royal pain in the ass, but I suppose it is more incentive to get them out, and I am already visualizing the day they and their bad vibes will be gone, along with their tacky Christmas decorations (yes they are up as I type), their dinky lawn ornaments, their ugly mugs.

I don't suppose they will just take this lying down, quietly or otherwise, so in the next months I will build my case for the Regie, diligently, perfectly, calmly. If anyone is a master of Ogre psychology and could make some educated guesses at what their plan might be, send them along. Will they fight to the bitter end? Will they ask me for money? Will they shrug and pack their crap into a 15 foot truck? Will I have to use the silver bullet?

Only the Ogres know for sure.

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